Oooooo.

It’s the scariest night of the year.

Because you live in Vancouver, universally acknowledged as the world’s most liveable city, you might think it’s safer than Transylvania, New Orleans, Sleepy Hollow and Wall Street but you’d be wrong.

So wrong.

Vancouver is very scary, too, but it’s not the usual suspects you’ve got to watch out for. Instead of vampires, zombies and werewolves, we’ve got … Suzanne Anton. And that voice: “Commmon sense…commmmmon sense…” sends shivers down your spine.

As a public service we present the Top 10 Scariest Things in Vancouver on All Hallows Eve. Armed with this list and a wooden stake, no harm will come to you as you venture out on your quest for treats.

10: The rain. It creeps slowly up your legs as you stand on the sidelines watching the kids play soccer. Sometime around Nov. 14, it reaches your brain. Arrggh.

9: The cost of housing: A 500-square-foot one bedroom apartment with a “den”. The “den” is just big enough to store your homunculus.

8. Bike lane intersections: If you love spectacular gory crashes, hang around at the intersection of Pacific and Burrard, where there’s an entry into bridge traffic, two pedestrian crosswalks and a bike lane all in the same place. It’s called the Mash…The Monster Mash.

7. Vision: Is clouded.

6. COPE: Can’t.

5. Non-Partisan Association (NPA):  You’re kidding, right? Bwah-ha-ha.

4. Jersey Girl: A.K.A. Premier Clark. Known to stalk photo opps wearing low-cut sports jerseys, which scares the pants off the NDP’s David Schreck, not to be confused with that other green ogre with the same name.

3. The Great Pumpkin, or Translink: There are never enough of these hearses that transport the Great Undead to the office in the morning and take them back to their crypts at night. At least, they smell like the Undead, especially when it rains. See 10.

2. The Vancouver Club: Favoured graveyard of the Secret Order of Unreconstructed Capitalists. Recently haunted by the scariest of them all, Dick Cheney. Aieee!

1. Riot trolls: They may look like A students or athletic heroes, but they run riot and wreak havoc at the slightest annoyance, such as the hockey team losing a game. They strike fear into the hearts of those who spawned them (their parents), who must be wondering if it was such a good idea to bring them into the world. Scariest of all? They are immune to arrest.