Dog Bites Man. Man Sues Dog.

If there was any doubt that it’s crazier out there than a herd of alley cats in a catnip factory, the story of Christopher Evans should end all arguments.

Christopher Evans is the 33-year-old skateboarder who got annoyed one day last June after three buses on East Hastings Street refused to stop for him. Furious, he smashed a window of the last bus with his skateboard, then slapped on his headphones and decided to push his way home.

The next thing he knew, he was attacked by a police dog that went at his leg like a chew toy. He needed 100 staples to close the wound and (according to news reports) says the nurses at emergency told him he was lucky the dog didn’t rupture a main artery, causing him to bleed out and die.

Now, with the help of the Pivot Legal Society, he’s suing the Vancouver Police Department for the careless and excessive use of a police dog.

Nothing about the careless and excessive use of a skateboard.

Or the careless and excessive use of headphones.

Or the careless and excessive use of the Pivot Legal Society.

I could go on, but I think you get my drift.

This guy is 33 years old and he’s still tooling around in traffic on a skateboard wearing headphones.

He’s already a public hazard, never mind the hair-trigger temper that’s prone to committing skateboard rage.

But rather than thank the Sk8erboy gods that he’s still alive despite tempting a half-dozen Fates, he decides to sue the officers and the City of Vancouver for their dog-handling practices.

And the Pivot Legal Society, which apparently doesn’t need or value credibility, is taking on the suit because police dogs should not be first responders and think police should try other, more reasonable arrest techniques other than setting the dogs on people.

 I’m not a judge. I’m just a lonely voice standing outside the court of public opinion with a sign (Will Write for Food) but if I were a judge, I would issue the following ruling:

“Dear Mr. Evans. Please go away. Spend some time thinking about the consequences of attacking a bus and then skating away oblivious to the consequences. And, by the way, how do you expect to hear the police yelling at you to stop when you’re wearing headphones? Thank you. As for the Pivot Legal Society, aren’t there any poor people out there who need help…and actually deserve it?”

I rest my case.