1. Body of work: Charlie Sheen’s porn-star ex-girlfriend Bree Olson produced a video designed to hasten the capture of fugitive Ugandan rebel leader Joseph Kony. The clip shows a bikini-clad Olson wiggling in the sand, while flashing harsh images of the conflict. Because nothing screams “justice” quite like a healthy dose of cleavage. Where was she when we were trying to free Nelson Mandela?
2. Punk’d in Space: Sir Richard Branson has declared that his Virgin Galactic spaceships “are built and flying in the final stages of our exhaustive test flight program.” Tickets to outer space will cost about $200,000 US. Ashton Kutcher has already signed on for the Virgin voyage, and will attempt to stash his assets far from Demi Moore.
3. Take a byte: Thousands of consumers lined up outside of Apple’s flagship stores in NYC last week to buy the newest iPad. Investment firm UBS conducted a survey to find out why customers hadn’t attempted to order online. A handful of people stated, “What else would we do on a Friday night? We’re nerds.”
4. Poetic Demeanor: Congrats to Kris Demeanor on becoming Calgary’s first poet laureate. He hopes to find creative ways to get Calgarians into the enjoyment of language. Engaging Canadian youth might be a challenge, but perhaps he can create rhymes in SMS. “R U well? Luv ur smell. Lol.” Good luck, Kris!
5. Sign of the times: So jaded are sports fans in Toronto that when a player like Phil Kessel actually reaches peak performance, all we can say is “Quick, trade him!” The rationale, of course, is that it’s got to be downhill from here. I liken this to my wife serving me leftovers from a delicious home-cooked meal, and saying, “Eat fast. It’s just about to rot.”
6. Retro in HD: This Sunday marks the long-awaited two-hour premiere of Mad Men’s 5th season. The show is popular among those nostalgic for a time when men had body hair and women had real breasts. Also recommended for anyone feeling guilty about their parenting skills, or how much they drink and smoke.
7. Ready to Rumba: Dancing with the Stars premiered this week with an odd crew of has-beens, might-bes and barely-ares. Nevertheless, after watching 15 intermittent minutes, I am prepared to make predictions. A “Pip-less” Gladys Knight will lose early, but thank the lord for the journey. Urkel will do the robot at least once and Martina Navratilova will struggle not to lead. Finalists: Welsh soprano Katherine Jenkins, Latino stud William Levy and Prairie star Melissa Gilbert.
8. Beach-body: Every spring we discover our “winter fat” and torture ourselves with diets. Now, there is a great new book called Unjunk Your Junk Food, for people (like me) who refuse to forgo the sweets for more than a couple of days. Instead of contradicting Marie Antoinette, Andrea Donsky and friends will simply tell you which cake to choose. A free sneak peek is available for download at naturallysavvy.com. Also, when returning from the supermarket, try taking the stairs.