1 Olympic insecurity. There’s about one soldier for every athlete ready to take part in the 2012 London Games. At least I think they’re ready. On a visit to London, U.S. presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who organized the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics, said the last-minute security issues in London were “disturbing.” That prompted U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron to retort that anybody can organize the Olympic Games “in the middle of nowhere.” England 1, Tea Party 0.

2 Love bites. Robert Pattinson is “heartbroken and angry” (says a source) and has moved out of the Beverly Hills home he shared with Kristen Stewart, his Twilight co-star, after she was caught biting someone else’s neck. The other party was not a werewolf, but the director of Stewart’s latest movie Snow White and the Huntsman — an entirely different kind of predator.

3 Speaking of bats. Christian Bale, whose Batman series may have inspired James Holmes to allegedly murder a dozen innocent moviegoers, shows he, at least, understands the difference between reality and illusion by turning up at the bedsides of the survivors and attending memorial services for the dead. Holmes, meanwhile, ain’t even close: He reportedly keeps asking his jailer how the movie ends. With any luck, he’ll spend eternity in hell still wondering.

4 The war between Alberta and B.C. The nation is mesmerized as the two western-most premiers duke it out over royalties and risk regarding the yet-to-be-approved Enbridge pipeline carrying Alberta oilsands oil across B.C. to port for Asian customers. B.C.’s Christy Clark wants less risk and more royalties; Alberta’s Alison Redford says: Bite me! Are we beginning to sense a theme here?

5 In other CO2 news, Greenland melts. As in 97 per cent of the ice sheet covering the island. The last time that happened was 1889. On May 29, the temperature at the southern weather station reached 24.8 C, a record. If the whole ice cap melts, sea levels will rise by seven metres. But not to worry, global warming’s some kind of elaborate hoax. Easy to say, unless you live on the coast.

6 In other H2O news. Lucky Larry, the 17-pound lobster, has been saved. After surviving anywhere between 70 and 100 years, Lucky Larry was unlucky enough to end up on the menu at a restaurant in Connecticut, drawing local gawkers who wanted to laugh and point before his Last Bath. But “good lobsterian” Don MacKenzie saved Larry and set him free, invoking the sanity claws.

7 They call the judge “Mariah.” Mariah Carey replaces Jennifer Lopez as a judge on American Idol, which is only fitting, as she’s the one responsible for the legions of competing copycat divas who pretend to play the microphone like a trumpet and lard their vocals with overblown, unnecessary runs and trills. Mother Carey’s chickens come home to roost.

8 Speaking of birds. It’s hard to believe, but Twitter went down Thursday right in the middle of all the above exciting stuff, probably because everyone was tweeting about Robert and Kristen’s vampire games. For about an hour, no birds sang. And then, of course, the most popular topic was #WhenTwitterWasDown … after it went up.

9 BieberWatch. Justin, as part of his maturity project, has gotten a new tattoo following the release of his latest album, Believe. Why am I thinking about that great line from Finding Nemo? “I think I just inked myself.” Well, what else could he do? Twitter was down.