The world is having a very stressful week. All kinds of nerve-racking stuff going on, starting with:
1 Mr. Dahmer goes to Ottawa? Gay-porn star Luka Rocco Magnotta allegedly tortures kittens, slices up a naked man and sends the body parts in the mail to various places, including Parliament Hill. Yikes.
2 National shame. It’s another Stanley Cup and, once again, no Canadian teams are involved. So, as we stand with our noses pressed to the glass, we ask: Who is Canada’s team? The Los Angeles Kings or the New Joisey Devils?
3 Like, oops. On network TV, Kathie Lee Gifford congratulates Martin Short for his long, happy marriage. The only problem is, his wife died two years ago. Then she apologizes on Twitter, albeit to the wrong Twitter handle.
4 What’s your kid doing today? A 16-year-old kid in Germany has solved a 300-year-old math puzzle that stumped Isaac Newton and everyone else since. Thanks to Shouryya Ray, there is now a way to calculate the path of a projectile under gravity and subject to air resistance. Well, it kept me up at night.
5 God saves the Queen, in perpetuity. Her Majesty’s a pretty nice woman, and she’ll be floating down the Thames in a barge on Sunday to mark the 60th year of her reign over us. No word on whether the corgis will follow in the royal dinghy.
6 Hair-brained theme. Donald Trump won’t let it go. He still says Barack Obama wasn’t born in the U.S., even though the president has released his detailed Hawaiian birth certificate. The question remains: What planet is The Donald from? And why doesn’t it have decent barbers?
7 Speaking of outer space. The first private space flight is a success as the SpaceX Dragon splashes down in the Pacific. Next mission: Send The Donald back to Mars.
8 A New York‑nanny state of mind. N.Y.C. Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to ban any sugary drinks over 16 ounces across the five boroughs, because they’re bad for you. Using that logic, he should ban Donald Trump. He’s fired.
9 This just in: The European Union appears to be crumbling before our eyes. Spain, Italy, Greece and Ireland are seriously considering abandoning the euro and restoring the peseta, lira, drachma and punt, respectively. The Irish, at least, have it right.