So you wake up, get out of bed, drag a comb across your head.

You open your iPad and the first thing that hits you is: “Mass extinction threatens oceans.”

You spill your coffee in your lap and read a little more: “Multiple ocean stresses threaten globally significant marine extinction.” This from an international meeting of marine scientists who say if things keep going the way they are we will suffer the kind of mass extinction that did in the dinosaurs in millions of years ago.

The scientists tick off the “multiple oceans stresses”: Global warming, acidification, lack of oxygen, pollution and overfishing.

The scientists call for “urgent and unequivocal action” or we’re done for.

How do you deal with this stuff? Put down your toast and call 911? “Hello? The oceans are threatened with mass extinction? Can you come right away? The coral reefs are already starting to die! Hurry!”

That’s the trouble with global warming. It’s just too big to get your head around. Some people just take their heads and bury them at the beach. Global warming? What global warming? This is merely natural climate fluctuation.

Except all these scientists say it isn’t. “In fact,” they say, this is “unprecedented in the Earth’s history because of the high rate and speed of change.”

Scientists? What do they know? How about the real experts, the dissenting journalists and oil company executives – what are they saying? The guy at climate-resistance.org isn’t worried. He dismisses the whole thing as The Fishy, Wishy-Washy report: “Just a couple of dozen eco-warriors in a single room, chatting about their fears.”

Well, not to worry. The guy at the climate-resistance website says to chill out.

So here we sit, amidst the crumbs, trying to figure out if these greybeards are really just little boys crying wolf, or a bunch of chickens freaked out about the marine equivalent of a falling sky.

It’s the same thing on the sky-is-falling front. I mean, greenhouse gases? Come on! Just a bunch of (bad) scientists trying to whip us into a frenzy in order to secure funding. Although I’m not quite sure how funding follows frenzy.

The government is no help. It keeps getting the Fossil Award for its well-known addiction to the tar sands and fracking – which is as dirty as it sounds.

Oh, well. A couple of nice summer days and all this oceans-dying stuff will be behind us. After all, we have to get ready for Kate and Wills’ state visit.

I wonder what she’ll wear. How do you think she’ll look in a biohazard suit?