What’s with women’s shoes?

Women everywhere are squeezing their feet into what can only be described as bondage booties and wobbling across the intersection of Toronto’s Bloor and Yonge or Vancouver’s Robson and Thurlow with a determined gait reminiscent of Mistress Paddywhack.

Apparently, the small cadre of sadists (masochists?) who rule the fashion world have determined that bondage chic has replaced heroin chic and, now, otherwise sane females look as if their feet have been captured by aliens.

Wherever I look, women’s shoes have morphed into something Darth Vader would wear if he were into cross-
dressing (“I am your motha, Luke”). Even the fashion blogs have trouble describing them: “Nine West collections this autumn/winter are truly something many will lack words to describe.”

You’ve got that right, unless you’re willing to come clean and admit that bondage is the basis for this bold design trend. One blog, written by the superbly named Tania Braukämper, takes the wraps off the whole sordid affair: “Like so many other things that were only recently considered too sexually charged to see the light of day, in a few short years the leather harness has infiltrated the realms of what we consider fashionable.”

Wait a minute. Did she say leather harness? Yes, she did, and her post is accompanied by a photo of a young woman in various states of extreme bondage to match her shoes. She appears to be 17 feet tall on account of her 12-foot spike heels.

According to Braukämper, when bondage and fetish fashion first hit our trend radars back in 2009 (so long ago) it was all bodycon, leather, studs and chains. “But it’s progressed. It’s moved on.” To leather harnesses. How long will it be before any self-respecting personal assistant won’t be caught dead on the subway without her whip?

Accessorize!

Maybe I’m making too much of this, but after watching these poor, trussed-up wretches wobble across the street, I feel compelled to speak out: Women of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your bodycon, leather, studs and chains (not to mention your harnesses)! Strike a blow for sensible shoes!

I remember a generation of women who fought for equal rights and equal pay, for control over their own bodies and their own place in the sun. But did the struggle include the right to orthopedic surgery? I guess so.

Meanwhile, I wonder what Ms. Fashionista sees when she gets dressed to go to work in her bondage kit? Probably only a secret code that says I buy all my shoes in New York/Paris/London. And you don’t.