Like 40 or 50 million North American males, I’m an expert on the Super Bowl, the U.S. football championship so big that, like a Rocky movie, it needs to be described using Roman numerals.

As Sunday’s game draws near, more and more people come to me with their questions, such as: “Paul, why don’t you get a life and do something worthwhile on Sunday instead of sitting in front of the TV like a zombie for nine hours watching former Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw caper and jibber like the evil clown in IT?”

Questions like that.

So, to be even more helpful, I’ve compiled a list of MFAQs (most frequently asked questions) to go along with the MVPs and PATs and other acronyms that baffle civilians.

Q: How old do you have to be to get invited to be the halftime act at the Super Bowl?
A: Older than dirt. Like Madonna, who will perform this year’s atrocity. Or Elton John, who has made it clear he would never do it, even if asked. Which he wasn’t.

Q: Why are the quarterbacks always called “Tom Brady” and the cornerbacks always called “Prince Amakumara”?
A: Tradition.

Q: What number is Super Bowl XVLI?
A: Why, it’s XVLI, of course.

Super Bowl ads are usually more interesting than the game itself. For instance, this year Honda resurrects Ferris Bueller.

Q: How come Matthew Broderick doesn’t look a day older than he did 26 years ago, the first time around?
A: There’s a rumour going around he’s part of the same lab experiment that produced Wayne Newton and Justin Bieber. Too bad it didn’t work on Madonna.

Q: What is “clock management”?
A: Each team has a bunch of time-outs they can invoke at any time during the game. The team that’s losing, using an artful combination of time-outs, incomplete passes and fake injuries, can extend the final two minutes of the game for what seems like forever. That’s why it’s called the two-minute warning.

Q: How many people watch the Super Bowl.
A: Thirty billion.… What?

Q: What is tailgating?
A: Drinking way too much and throwing up in the parking lot before the game even starts.

Q: This year’s Super Bowl is being played in Indianapolis. Where is Indianapolis?
A: Nowhere.

Q: So who’s going to win on Sunday?
A: I am because I get to sit in front of the TV for nine hours … etc.

Q: Who will be the MVP?
A: Three-to-one on Tom Brady over Prince Amakumara. Tradition is a big factor.