The Oscars are coming up this Sunday.

I love the Oscars – the glitz, the fun, the drama, the suspense.

Of course, when my favourite movie doesn’t win and some piece of schmaltz does, I’m left braying at the TV: “Who voted for Driving Miss Daisy? Who are these people? Don’t they know anything?”

Now, thanks to the LA Times, I have the answer, which is: People Just Like Me.

After an exhaustive and pointless investigation – pointless because even though millions are starving and the planet is in peril, the LA Times is squandering precious dwindling journalistic resources on revealing the demographic makeup of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences – the results confirm your worst nightmare.

Ninety-four per cent of the people who vote the Oscars are white. Seventy-seven per cent are male. Their median age is 62, and just 14 per cent of the membership is under 50. Two per cent are black.

This explains a lot.

Like why Steven Spielberg must be nominated for something every year, even if it’s War Horse. Steven Spielberg is the king of all the old white guys.

It explains why your little indie fave did not get nominated for best picture. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which stars Tom Hanks, the duke of all the old white guys, did.

It explains why Bob Hope hosted the Oscars 18 times and why Billy Crystal’s back this year, after Oscar’s tragic experiment with the under-50 demographic last year.

Remember James Franco and Anne Hathaway? Why send a couple of dumb kids out to do an old white guy’s job when you can get Billy?

Eddie Murphy was supposed to host the Oscars this year, but quit to support show producer Brett Ratner (old white guy) who was fired for an alleged racial slur. How’s that for irony?

Anyway, now that Billy’s back, order has been restored in the old-white-guy universe, and we can get on with voting for Steve.

The problem, as anyone who ever hangs out in west L.A. knows, is that almost everyone in the movie business is an old white guy, and it’s really hard to break in unless, like their descendants, you “know somebody.”

So if you’re black, Latino, female and – especially – under 50, shut up and go to Sundance.

That said, the boys are suckers for interracial drama (see Driving Miss Daisy). And The Help, which takes a timely, fearless look at interracial drama circa 1963, is nominated this year.

So my peeps are going to have a tough time deciding between that and Steve Who Must Be Nominated.

My money’s on The Help. We may be old, but we’re enlightened.