As one of Canada’s top 605 columnists, I’m often asked advice on how to throw the perfect office Christmas party.

To me, the key has always been to think about fun and merry-making, so that you can avoid those things whenever possible.

You don’t want to get sued, do you?

As most holiday partygoers know, parties have changed over the years from alcohol-fuelled blowouts where you might see Barb the secretary drink Kahlua from a shoe, to glorified potlucks where the wildest thing is the Worst Christmas Sweater contest.

Nowadays everyone seems scared, rightly or not, that they’ll get sued if a partygoer drinks too much and goes all Darwin Awards on them. We, as hosts, fear our own guests’ stupidity. (Eventually a drunk driver will sue the descendants of Sir Isaac Newton, whose famous forebear was reckless enough to have discovered the laws of motion, which have caused us all so much harm.)

My usual advice for the Christmas-party problem is to take extra precautions: serve alcohol, but only responsibly; get everyone to sign waivers (make sure the pencils aren’t too sharp!); and place written warnings throughout the party explaining the possible danger represented by each item, including co-workers.

But this year I’m advocating something different, mostly because I want to see how it works out. This year, you should throw a party so wild that everyone will either forget what happened or be too embarrassed to bring it up, let alone sue.

John’s unethical office-party tips:

• Start by picking a party theme. Tequila or Rum are two good ideas to get you started.
• Don’t be concerned with unnecessary party frivolities, such as food.
• Spike everything, including the non-alcoholic beer. It’s Christmas.
• As guests arrive, tell them it’s a “social mixer” and seat them in unusual pairings – for example, your co-worker’s husband with the blond intern, or Ms. Phillips in finance with the mail boy. Playfully point out the mistletoe over each spot.
• Provide a gift bag that includes a game of Twister, several lampshades and a pair of Santa-themed underpants.
• For the coup de disgrace, supply everyone with disposable cameras.
• As people are stumbling out the door, provide them with “door prizes” containing a perfume- or cologne- stained handkerchief, a napkin with a phone number on it and a strand of blond hair.

If all goes well (how could it not?), everyone will have the time of their life and never speak of it again.

Oh, and if something horrible and/or tragic happens because of my idea, then remember your legal recourse. Sue Isaac Newton.