I’m not much for Christmas carols.

I enjoy the joking songs, like Santa Baby or The Christmas Shoes, but otherwise the only holiday tune I like is the creepy Carol of the Bells, which brings to mind the warm holiday image of Santa Claus being stabbed repeatedly with a candy cane.

So, in a bid to make myself a better, more Christmassy person, I decided this week to open myself up to some holiday “classics” for the first time in years. And let me say that, upon further review, Christmas songs are bonkers.

There’s We Wish You a Merry Christmas, with its special yuletide message of “Bring us some figgy pudding or we will tear you limb from limb.”

There’s Winter Wonderland, the story of a man planning a fun day that includes building a snowman, pretending it’s a priest and talking to it about his marital future. I’m thinking his belle doesn’t know this plan yet and that, if she did, she’d have to “hurry on her way,” Frosty-style.

Also, there’s the full version of Jingle Bells, which includes a little-sung verse where a man in a one-horse open sleigh laughs at another man who has fallen and is sprawling in the snow. He leaves him there, possibly for dead. I must say it rather improves the song.

The hands-down winner, though, of Craziest Christmas Carol is Do You Hear What I Hear? I assume it was written when absinthe still had kick.

It starts with the wind asking a lamb if it sees a dancing star. In most songs, that would be excitement enough. But there’s more: The lamb asks his shepherd, with whom he has a good working relationship, if he hears singing.

You would think the shepherd would then realize he’s been putting in too many 12-hour days and should really take that Dead Sea stroll he’s been saving for. But instead he runs to the mighty king, who apparently has no security at his mighty castle, and tells the monarch the joyous news: “I found a talking lamb!”

No – of course, he tells him that a child is shivering in the cold. With no women around, the king and shepherd’s best plan for getting the baby warm is to bring it silver and gold.

Between the talking animal and the potential case of child neglect, this song is one hell of a wild ride.

So, I’ll admit, Christmas carols are more fun than I remembered. They should be sung far and wide by you and your family and your lamb, if you have one.

And though it’s been said, many times, many ways: Bring me my figgy pudding.

Or else.