1. An attractive lady or fellow smiles at you on the subway. You:
A Look away
B Sorry, what did you say? My head’s buried in a book on ancient bee-keeping.
C Deepen your scowl
D Are too busy eyeballing someone else
2. When you go to a party, you:
A Spend the whole time sneaking away to play Words with Friends
B Spend the whole time thinking about the reality TV marathon you’d rather be watching
C Tell everyone who will listen the awful story about the time your ex slept with your friend
D I don’t really go to parties. Too busy “makin’ it rain” at the strip club
3. It’s summertime. You’re in the park and a cutie’s frisbee is tossed your way. You:
A Quickly throw it back without a smile
B Don’t notice because it didn’t hit the bee hotel you’re building
C Take out your laptop
D Compliment him/her on his/her slammin’ bod
4. Describe your weekend:
A These nails aren’t gonna paint themselves
B Visiting an out-of-town store devoted entirely to antique Judaica
C People are so insufferable, why would I want to make plans with them?
D Going to dinner with your married friends
5. It’s time for your annual company retreat. Your co-workers:
A Don’t notice you’re not there; you always skip out on office events
B Avoid you like the plague; all you ever talk about is bears, beets and The Wire
C Are other disgruntled office drones; misery loves company!
D Have all already had sex with you, so you have to hit on the waiters at the end-of-weekend party
6. Which song do you identify with the most?
A I Am A Rock by Simon and Garfunkel
B The song of the humpback whale. Real “music” doesn’t do it
C Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now by The Smiths
D Where Them Girls At by David Guetta
7. How many relationships have you had?
A None. I just can’t seem to meet or click with people
B One, but we broke up soon after because she or he thought I spend too much time online
C A few. And boy, was that last one a doozey
D Relationships are for suckers
8. How do you feel about attending weddings?
A I go only when forced to – if it’s that of a close family member or friend
B Love ‘em! A new audience I can impress with my killer humpback whale calls
C They’re a great chance to place bets on when the couple will divorce
D Um, have you seen Wedding Crashers?
9. What’s your favourite way to unwind after a long day at work?
A Drinks with a few friends at our usual haunt
B Re-organizing my antique Judaica collection
C On the couch, downing half-a-bottle of red wine and listening to Adele
D Hitting up a couples’ cooking class by myself
10. Do you exercise?
A Sure, love running and hiking solo
B Not really. Usually spend all my free time holed up in a movie theatre.
C What’s the point of looking good? Nobody’s looking at me anyway
D Duh. The gym is the best place to troll for this weekend’s hotness
You’re single because…
Mostly A’s: You don’t put yourself out there enough. We know you’re a catch but you don’t give anyone else the chance to get to know you. Perhaps you’re shy, sticking to your comfort zone, a loner or all three. Diversify your social activities, take more risks and put yourself in situations where you can meet new people.
Mostly B’s: Your interests are too narrow. It’s time for a reality check: Those fascinating things are only fascinating to you. Try developing new skills and hobbies that will allow you to connect with a wider group of people, and don’t let your all-consuming love of miniature accordions alienate others.
Mostly C’s: You’re bitter. Whoa. Putting aside the fact that you may need therapy, it’s clear that you’ve given up on love. Tone it down. Fake a smile. Take an inspirational seminar. And yeah, definitely start therapy.
Mostly D’s: You’re not looking for a relationship. We’re pretty sure you didn’t even need to take this quiz – you know why you’re single and we’re jealous. Good for you! (Use protection.)