Actress Mercedes Masöhn, of the new series The Finder, shares her list of things she’d like to find

• Waldo (his parents must be sick with worry … he’s been missing for ages!).
• A needle in a hay stack (I want the bragging rights).
• Rumplestiltskin (he can spin straw into gold… enough said).
• My boyfriend from kindergarten (he stole my HULK action figure and I WANT IT BACK!).
• The Tooth Fairy (she “forgot” to leave me a dollar for my third incisor when she took it from under my pillow in 1986 … that’s theft if you ask me … let’s just say that dollar has collected some interest and penalties … according to my calculations, the Tooth Fairy owes me $3,673.00).
• My self-dignity (I don’t want to talk about it).
• A time machine (so I can return to the fateful night of July 25th, 1991… after sneaking out of bed to watch The Exorcist … which caused me such fright that I was unable to sleep in my room on my own … which led me to my parents’ room in search of some solace…which led me to a most ghastly discovery, my parents engaging in what can only be described as animalistic savagery … which consequently led to an adulthood filled with night terrors and three-hour long showers.

(ED NOTE: Readers should know that Mercedes is dictating this from the shower where she is scrubbing her flesh raw in a fetal position.)

• The Finder airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. on Global